The Nanny Who Saved Christmas Page 6

  ‘How very adult of you,’ he ground out wryly.

  She grimaced. He was right. She sounded like a B-grade actor in some corny nineteen-eighties telemovie.

  When she glanced at him she recognised the flare of anger in his eyes and she knew it was directed at Brad and Diane, not at her. And God forgive her, but it made her feel good.

  The thing was, they hadn’t meant to hurt her. She knew that.

  But they had.

  They’d crushed something vital inside her and she didn’t know how to get it back.

  ‘They announced their engagement last month and that’s when I realised I couldn’t spend Christmas in Melbourne this year. Without meaning to, I’d ruin it for everyone. A lot of our set are angry with them, but are following my lead because I’ve asked them to. If I’d stayed I wouldn’t have been able to keep the brave face up. It would’ve created a division in the group and I don’t want that. It’s not fair to force people to take sides.’

  ‘So you applied for a job and came out here.’

  Her lips twisted and an apology welled inside her. ‘With all my Christmas spirit, I’m afraid.’ And that had hardly been fair either, had it? She glanced down at her hands. ‘When I arrived you asked me if I was running away from something. I’m not running away. I’m just taking a break and gathering my resources before I have to face it all again.’

  He nodded, but didn’t say anything.

  She bit back a sigh. ‘I’m sorry. I can see now that was hardly fair of me. I thought I’d be in the background out here and not of much consequence.’ Her actions suddenly seemed horribly selfish and self absorbed.

  Cade still didn’t say anything.

  She winced. ‘Do you want me to leave?’

  He didn’t answer that either. Her heart started to pound. She glanced at him. He glared back at her. ‘So what the hell is with the getting fit and losing weight thing?’

  Oh.

  She swallowed and stared out into the night, unable to look at him. The glory of the stars still awed her. She wanted to reach out and touch one, clasp it in her hand and make a wish.

  A childish fantasy, but no more childish than believing she could’ve built a life with Brad.

  ‘Nicola?’

  She bit back a sigh. ‘I’ve come up with a plan to make myself over and improve myself.’

  He shifted on his seat. ‘You’ve what?’

  She was proud she didn’t flinch at his incredulity. She kept her eyes fixed on the brightest star. ‘Strong in body, strong in mind. At least, that’s the idea.’

  ‘What are you hoping to achieve?’

  He spoke those words much quieter and it took an effort to keep her focus on the starlit sky and not turn to him. ‘I want to look better, I want to feel better, and I want people to stop looking at me like I’m a victim. I want to develop some smarts. I didn’t see the Brad and Diane thing coming at all. It was a bolt from the blue.’ She straightened. ‘And I want to develop some...some poise and self-possession. That way everybody will stop feeling sorry for me, they’ll respect me, and I’ll be able to...move on.’

  ‘Nicola?’

  She gave in and looked at him.

  ‘Change is fine, but don’t take it too far. Making sure you’re not taken for granted doesn’t have to translate into being unfriendly.’

  Her jaw dropped. ‘Is that how I’ve come across?’

  One of those broad shoulders of his lifted. She went back over all their earlier encounters. She considered the way she’d kept everyone here at arm’s length and her cheeks started to burn. ‘I’m not getting the balance right, am I?’

  ‘It could use some work.’

  Changing was proving a whole lot harder than she’d initially envisaged. ‘What I need is a fairy godmother to wave a magic wand or a genie to grant me three wishes,’ she sighed.

  ‘And what would you wish for?’

  ‘To be fit and healthy.’ Which translated to thin, but that seemed far too shallow to say out loud. ‘To have the poise and chutzpah to carry myself with confidence,’ regardless of how she was actually feeling. ‘And...and to stop burying my head in the sand, to realise what’s right under my nose and face reality.’ And to stop feeling so angry, she added silently.

  ‘That’s all very noble,’ he drawled. ‘Now give me the other wish list.’

  She spun to face him. How could he know? And then she remembered all he’d been through with Fran and his marriage breakup. Her mouth dried. ‘The less admirable list?’

  ‘That’s the one.’

  How badly would he think of her if she uttered those things out loud? Then she remembered she was through with caring what people thought of her.

  She frowned. She was through with caring so much about what people thought of her. She would find the right balance. Eventually.

  ‘Okay, out with it.’

  She swallowed. ‘I really, really, really want to look good at their wedding. I want them to feel bad that their happiness has come at my expense, but at the same time I want them to admire me and...and to miss me. Because, yes, while we’re still friends, things have changed and no matter how hard I try I can’t make them go back to the way they were before.’

  He stared at her. She pushed her hair off her face and tried to shove her self-consciousness to a place where it couldn’t plague her. But... He thought her shallow now, didn’t he? And weak. She tossed her head. ‘What?’ she demanded, losing the battle.

  ‘You didn’t ask for Brad back.’

  ‘I don’t want him back.’ If she said it often enough, eventually she’d believe it. And it was partly true. Who wanted a cheating spouse who didn’t really love them? But...

  Oh, how she ached for the promise of the life they could’ve had—the home, the babies, the laughter. The belonging.

  Her eyes burned. She blinked hard and forced her chin up. ‘I want a hot date for the wedding. That way, no one will feel sorry for me.’ Not that she had any idea where to find a hot date, mind.

  ‘You want to look gorgeous. You want to be able to hold your head high, and you want a hunky man at your side.’

  She nodded.

  ‘None of those things are ignoble.’

  She glanced at him and swallowed. ‘I was going to say that the moment Diane saw me again I wanted her to worry that I could steal Brad away from her if I chose to, and that the moment Brad clapped eyes on me again he’d start to wonder if he’d chosen the wrong woman.’

  ‘But?’

  ‘But it’s not true. Not really. I just get irrationally angry sometimes.’ She glanced down at her hands. ‘I do actually hope their marriage is happy and strong. I wish them both well.’

  He sat back and stared. ‘The anger isn’t irrational.’

  A part of her agreed, but... ‘It comes out of the blue sometimes when I’m not expecting it. It’s so...bitter and unforgiving. I hate feeling like that.’

  ‘It’ll get easier with time.’

  She hoped so.

  He was silent for a while, then leant forward to rest his elbows on his knees. ‘How about you and I make a deal?’

  She raised her eyebrows. ‘A deal?’

  ‘I will help you get fit, and I’ll do what I can to aid your makeover plans...and I’ll also be your date for the wedding.’

  Her jaw dropped. He’d be her date? But... An immediate image of her friends’ surprise—Diane and Brad’s surprise—flooded her.

  ‘And in return...’


  She pressed a hand to her chest to counter its sudden and erratic pounding. ‘In return?’ Her voice had gone hoarse.

  ‘And in return you’ll help me make this Christmas and the holidays fabulous for Ella and Holly, and the rest of my family.’

  Her heart kept right on pounding. ‘Asking you to be my date, Cade, is too much.’

  ‘Do you have someone else in mind for the job?’

  ‘Well, no, but—’

  ‘Call it a Christmas bonus.’

  She wanted him as her date for that far-off wedding. His mere presence would fill her with confidence. Somewhere in the past week or so, his confidence and self-possession had become her blueprint for what she was working towards.

  She cocked her head. ‘Okay, be specific. Exactly how is my Christmas cheer supposed to manifest itself?’ She was getting a lot out of this deal. She needed to know she could deliver her side of the bargain.

  ‘Help me and the kids decorate the house. Sing Christmas carols. Help the kids write letters to Santa. Help Ella make gifts for the family. And...and take part in all the revelry, whatever form that takes—charades, telling Christmas stories, whatever. I want you to act like one of the family.’

  He would help with her makeover plan, plus he would be her date to the dreaded wedding, and all she had to do was be Christmassy? She imagined the expressions on Brad and Diane’s faces when she turned up at the wedding with Cade. She knew Diane so well. She knew exactly what Diane would think—hot, gorgeous hunk. Oh, yes, that would be very satisfying.

  Shallow, yes, but satisfying as well.

  To no longer be the object of all those furtive glances, those consoling pats on the arm, those ‘poor Nicola’ comments! Something inside her lifted.

  Was he serious—all she had to do was be Christmassy? She stuck out a hand before he could change his mind. ‘You have yourself a deal.’

  He closed his hand around hers. His grip was firm and she could feel the way he tempered his strength so as to not crush her fingers. He didn’t let go again immediately and her heart started up its silly pounding and erratic fluttering again.

  ‘Nicola...’

  Her name was a caress in the warm night air. Brad had never uttered her name like that. Her heart pounded louder, harder. ‘Yes?’

  ‘I know your confidence has taken a beating, and I respect the fact that you’d like to get fit, but as for your weight...and everything else, I don’t think you need to change a damn thing.’

  For a moment she actually believed he was sincere.

  Oh, Nicola Ann, the man’s a comedian!

  She flinched as she imagined her mother’s scornful laughter. She pulled her hand from his and leapt up, moving across to the nearest veranda post. She wrapped her hands around it. ‘Is that a way of saying you’ll help me with my makeover plan, but as you don’t think I need to change there’s nothing you need to actually do?’

  ‘Damn it, no!’

  He shot to his feet and strode across to her, gripping her chin in his hand to force her to meet his gaze. ‘You’re a hell of an infuriating woman, you know that?’

  Infuriating was better than pitiful.

  His face softened as he stared down at her. ‘Sorry,’ he murmured, his touch on her chin becoming gentle. ‘I shouldn’t have snapped.’

  ‘I...um...’ She swallowed. ‘I’m probably a touch sensitive,’ she allowed.

  ‘A person doesn’t bounce back just like that after the kind of blow you’ve suffered, Nicola. But you don’t need to change and eventually you’ll see I’m right.’

  She doubted that, but she couldn’t utter a single sound. Under his fingers her skin had leapt to life. His thumb traced the skin beneath her bottom lip. It made her drag in a breath that made her whole body tremble.

  ‘You have the most amazing eyes I have ever seen,’ he murmured.

  It wasn’t her eyes he was staring at, but her mouth. And he was staring at it as if he was hungry, as if he was starved. That gaze held her spellbound. It promptly cut off her mother’s disbelieving comments and hurtful contradictions. She should step away. She should flee. She knew that in some deep, dark recess of her mind, but her hand curled about the veranda post all the more tightly to anchor her into place.

  Cade had become the brightest star in the night and she wanted to bask in the glow of his warmth and his...desire. Even if for only ten seconds more.

  His free hand travelled down the post until he found her hand. He closed it around hers. He stepped in so close their chests touched. ‘You smell like strawberry jam.’

  She tried to ask him if that was a good thing, but her throat wouldn’t work. All that happened was her lips parted.

  And that he saw them part.

  And knew what it meant.

  His eyes glittered. His mouth took on a wolfish edge of satisfaction. He brushed his thumb over her bottom lip. She gasped and a low rumble of approval emerged from his chest.

  ‘Amazing eyes,’ he repeated. ‘Hair that shines in the starlight.’ His thumb stopped alternately tormenting and pleasing her lips as his hand drifted around the back of her neck to slide into the hair at the base of her skull. He tipped her head back so he could devour her face with his gaze, and she let him.

  He was going to kiss her. She knew he was going to kiss her. She hovered between breaths, waiting for it, waiting to welcome it...hungering for it.

  And from the glittering satisfaction in his eyes she could tell that he’d read that thought in her eyes—that she wanted it as much as he did, that there would be no argument or resistance.

  His mouth descended. The pressure of his hand at her nape partly lifted her to meet him, demanded that she meet him.

  And she did, with her lips ready to taste him completely.

  The kiss was not tentative on either side—it was assured and demanding. Nicola was twenty-seven years old but she had never had such a blatantly adult kiss in all that time.

  Had never enjoyed such a blatantly adult kiss. There was no game playing and no teasing or preliminaries. A question had been asked. An answer given. And then the thorough enjoyment, a wholehearted participation in the slaking of a mutual need.

  And the pleasure rocked her to her toes. She clutched his upper arms, not aware of when she’d moved, his heat and strength rippling through the thin cotton of his shirt to her palms and fingers, filling her with a sense of invincibility. His arm snaked around her waist—to pull her more firmly against him or to give her support? She didn’t know and she didn’t care. She was simply grateful that it gave her the freedom to dance her fingers across his throat, to smooth them over his shoulders and then plunge them into his hair to pull him closer.

  The kiss went on and on and it filled her with energy and strength and the yearning for more...so much more!

  Eventually Cade lifted his head, but he didn’t remove his arm from around her waist. She didn’t remove hers from around his neck. She met his gaze head on. With Cade she didn’t need to be coy.

  His eyes didn’t waver from hers. ‘If this goes on for much longer we’re going to get to the point of no return,’ he rasped out.

  She nodded.

  His chest, pressed to hers, rose and fell. ‘I need to think about that.’

  So did she.

  In unspoken agreement they unclasped each other. Nicola moved back to the bench as reaction set in and her knees started to shake.

  Did she want to take this any further? Did she want to go all th
e way with Cade? Oh, her body was in no doubt but what about her brain...and her heart?

  He didn’t turn from where she’d left him. ‘I’m not ready for anything serious.’ He spoke to the night, but she knew the words were meant for her.

  After all he’d revealed about his marriage and Fran, she wasn’t surprised. ‘I’m not either.’ It was the truth.

  He turned. She could read the question in his eyes.

  She’d come out here to focus on getting her life back together. A holiday fling, however brief, would deflect her from that. And her plan for self-improvement was important to her. She didn’t want to be the doormat her friends thought her or the failure her mother considered her.

  She stood, her knees finally steady. ‘No.’

  She sensed the relief that flashed through him, along with the frustration. He nodded once. He didn’t say anything.

  ‘If I slept with you it’d be partly as revenge on Brad and Diane. You might say you wouldn’t care about that.’ Men were all hormones and any excuse, right? ‘But I’d care.’

  ‘No, Nicola, you’re wrong. I’d resent being used like that.’

  ‘The other thing is, I don’t want to go falling for you on the rebound. My emotions are all over the place at the moment and I don’t trust them. I’m not ready for anything serious and I can say that till I’m blue in the face, but...’

  ‘But sometimes it’s impossible to keep things emotion-free and uncomplicated.’

  ‘Neither one of us needs complicated right now.’ The blood burned in rebellion in her veins. She swallowed and told herself she was doing the right thing. ‘Besides,’ she croaked, ‘you have the girls to consider.’

  ‘I do.’

  ‘And I don’t much trust the whole notion of romantic love any more. I think it’s a bubble that eventually gets burst. Down the track, hopefully, I’ll meet someone and get married because I want children, but I mean to go into the marriage with wide eyes and a clear head. My head at the moment isn’t clear.’