The Nanny Who Saved Christmas Page 5

  His high-handedness irked her. She didn’t like his tone much either. Last month the old Nicola would’ve shrugged it off and tried to ignore it, but not the new improved version of Nicola McGillroy. No, sirree.

  ‘One—’ she held up a finger ‘—I’m here to do a job and I don’t need anyone else to do it for me. I can carry my own weight.’ She just wasn’t prepared to carry anyone else’s any more. ‘And two, I should be allowed a few moments’ quiet time every now and again without you jumping on me with that you’re-ruining-Christmas tone in your voice.’

  She had no intention of ruining Christmas for Cade and his family. It was why she’d stolen from the living room earlier. All that Christmas gaiety had filled her with such unexpected longing it had stolen her breath and knocked her sideways... For a moment she’d thought she might burst into tears.

  She shuddered. How would she have explained that?

  ‘I didn’t mean to jump on you.’

  The shock in his voice shamed her. All he was trying to do was give his kids and family a nice Christmas. Her hang-ups weren’t his fault. She gripped her hands together. She only had to put up with all this Christmas cheer for another week and a half.

  Fortitude was never your strong point was it, Nicola Ann?

  She gritted her teeth. This wasn’t much different from keeping a class entertained at school. She could do that with one hand tied behind her back. This was just a job.

  She dragged in a breath. ‘Okay then, let’s get back to it.’ She clapped her hands. ‘I’ve taken the three deep breaths I needed to resist that bowl of chocolate sultanas. My healthy eating plan is still intact. Besides, I don’t think we’ve had a rendition of “Good King Wenceslas” yet and that’s one of my favourites.’

  ‘No.’

  The single word brought her up short, as did the hand curling about her upper arm and preventing her from going anywhere. ‘No?’ Why not? She’d just agreed to what he wanted, hadn’t she?

  ‘This isn’t just a job!’

  She begged to differ, but wisely kept her mouth shut. Cade’s vehemence ensured that. Parents hated reminders that teaching little Johnny or Jane was actually a job and not the blessing and privilege they considered it.

  Besides, if she pointed out to Cade that her title was in fact Nanny and not Friend or Family Member, it would give him the wrong impression. It would make it sound as if she didn’t really care for Ella and Holly when she did. She adored them.

  It didn’t change the fact that this was still a job, though, and that no matter how much Cade and his family welcomed her into their fold, it still didn’t make her one of them.

  It wasn’t anything to be bitter about. It wasn’t anything to be hurt about. It was the truth, plain and simple.

  Oh, but how she wished she had a family like his!

  The warmth of his hand on her arm filtered into her consciousness. The pulse in her throat fluttered to life. ‘Unhand me, sir.’ Although she struggled for light, the words came out husky.

  Cade released her, but he stood so close she could smell the clean scent of soap on his skin. She gulped. Starlit night, a guy and girl alone...

  Stop it! She knew her musings were nonsensical and that in all likelihood Cade hadn’t even noticed the stars, or the fact that she was a woman. It still took a concerted effort to ease back a step when, by rights, the thought should’ve had her running for the hills.

  Classic rebound reaction, she told herself, her lips twisting in mockery at her own weakness. ‘If you don’t want me to return inside, what is it you would like me to do?’

  ‘I want you to listen.’

  He didn’t say anything else. A long moment passed. ‘To?’ she prompted.

  He took her arm again and all that warm maleness flooded her senses. The latent strength of him set her nerves jangling. He led her to a bench, urged her to sit and then released her again.

  ‘I want to tell you why Christmas is so important for me, for Waminda Downs, and for Ella and Holly this year.’

  Instinct told her that she didn’t want to hear what he was about to say. She wanted to get up and walk away. She had enough issues of her own to deal with, without adding his to the score. But when she looked up into his face, she found she didn’t have the strength to do that. Just for a moment he looked as tired and defeated as she felt each morning when she woke up. Before she’d had a chance to remind herself that she was on a cattle station in the Outback and that she had a riding lesson that very morning to look forward to.

  He eased down beside her. She studied him for a moment—the downturned mouth, the slumped shoulders, the way it seemed an effort to draw breath into his lungs, and a lump formed in her throat. It was obvious he needed to share this with someone. Why not the temporary nanny who’d be gone again in six weeks’ time?

  It’s just a job, she reminded herself.

  But it felt like so much more and she didn’t know when that had happened. She bit back a sigh. So much for keeping her distance.

  He was sitting beside her on the bench in the warm night air, their arms and shoulders not quite touching. This time she didn’t prompt him. She sat there and stared out at the sky, breathing him in and waiting.

  Finally he spoke. ‘Last Christmas was our first Christmas without Fran.’

  Her heart clenched at the pain in his voice.

  ‘She’d left about four months earlier, but...’

  He dipped his head and raked his fingers through his hair. She reached out and laid a hand on his forearm. The muscles tensed beneath her fingertips. ‘You really don’t have to tell me any of this, you know?’

  He laid his other hand over hers and squeezed it, and then he placed her hand back in her lap. It felt like a rejection but she didn’t know why. She stared straight out in front of her and focused on her breathing.

  ‘I think it’s probably best if you know.’

  She didn’t say anything, just gave a curt nod.

  ‘Fran left us all here at Waminda in late August and went to Brisbane.’ He paused. ‘I thought she just needed a break. It can be hard getting used to the isolation of a cattle station, and with two small children—one barely three months old—I could understand her going a bit stir-crazy.’

  Nicola frowned. ‘You mean...you’re saying she left Ella and Holly here?’

  Even in the dimness she could see him smile, but it didn’t hold any mirth. ‘That’s what I’m saying.’

  She bit her tongue and turned back to stare straight out in front of her. She couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to leave Ella and Holly behind, not for any reason. Unless... ‘Post-natal depression?’

  ‘That’s what she told me. She was seeing a therapist. I even spoke to the damn therapist.’

  She understood his frustration, his anger, but... ‘She wouldn’t have been able to help it, you know.’

  The smile he sent her held a world of weariness. ‘Depression was something I was fully prepared to deal with, Nicola. I’d have done anything I could’ve to help her through it. I set her up in an inner city apartment so she could see her therapist as often as she needed, and so she could have the change of scenery she claimed to so badly need. I wired her as much money as she asked for. I took the girls to visit as often as I could, and all the while I made endless excuses for her distance and her erratic behaviour. I mean depression, right? It’s out of her control. I might be doing it tough, but she was doing it a whole lot tougher, right?’

  With each
right his voice rose. She swallowed and nodded. ‘Right,’ but her voice came out on a breath of uncertainty. She gripped the edge of the bench and turned to face him fully. ‘But?’

  He rested his head back against the wall behind him and closed his eyes. ‘But it was all a lie.’

  ‘A lie?’

  ‘A blind, a decoy, a red herring to throw me off the trail of what was really happening.’

  Her mouth had gone as dry as the soft red sand of the Outback. ‘What was really happening?’

  ‘For three months she let me go on thinking that our marriage had a chance, but all the while she was planning to leave me and Ella and Holly for another man.’

  She couldn’t stop her jaw from dropping. ‘She strung you along for three months?’

  His eyes opened. His lips twisted and he pointed to his forehead. ‘Can’t you see the word Stupid branded here?’

  ‘You weren’t stupid! You trusted her, supported her and... You were married, for heaven’s sake!’ She pressed fingertips to her temples. Thank God Brad had dumped her before they’d married.

  ‘Apparently returning to Waminda was her backup plan if things didn’t work out with her Texan millionaire.’

  She eyed him for a moment, swallowed. ‘I guess they did. Work out, that is.’

  ‘They did.’

  ‘I guess telling you you’re better off without her isn’t any comfort at all?’

  ‘A little.’ This time his smile was genuine. It faded. ‘But Ella and Holly aren’t better off without a mother.’

  She shook her head. ‘No.’ She couldn’t keep the horror out of her voice. ‘Whose decision was that?’ She understood Cade’s anger, his bitterness, but would he prevent his ex-wife from seeing their children?

  ‘Hers,’ he replied in a dead voice and she immediately kicked herself for what she’d just thought. She’d seen him with his children. He didn’t have that kind of spite in him.

  ‘Quote: “I’m not taking any extra baggage like children from a previous marriage into my new life. Chip wouldn’t like it.”’

  ‘God!’ She didn’t try to hide her disgust. ‘Where on earth did she pick him up from?’

  ‘The Internet.’

  She slouched back. ‘Poor Ella and Holly.’

  ‘You said it.’

  And poor Cade.

  She glanced at him, and roused herself. ‘The girls,’ she ventured, ‘seem to have bounced back okay. Ella is remarkably well adjusted considering all she’s been through.’ The young girl could be clingy at times, but she understood why now. Holly was still just a baby. Who knew how this would affect her in the years to come?

  ‘I feel we’ve finally come out the other side.’

  His voice told her it had been hell.

  ‘And this Christmas is a...a signal of a new start?’

  ‘It’s an attempt to make up to them in some small way for the wretchedness of the last year.’ His hands clenched. ‘It’s my attempt to make amends for all but ignoring Christmas last year.’

  If Fran had left him in late August and then strung him along for three months... ‘Fran broke up with you in late November?’

  ‘Early December,’ he said shortly.

  ‘Oh, Cade, you can’t blame yourself for last Christmas. It takes time to adjust to a shock like that.’

  ‘That’s no excuse for not giving Ella and Holly one day of brightness amid all that upheaval. My mother and sister tried to talk me into spending the holidays with them in Brisbane. But Brisbane was the last place I wanted to be, especially knowing that Fran was so close and yet didn’t want to see her own daughters.’

  He shook his head. He didn’t say anything more...not that he needed to.

  ‘I’m sorry for all you’ve been through. If it helps any, you’re giving not only Ella and Holly the kind of Christmas dreams are made of, but your mother, sister and nephews as well.’

  He sent her a sidelong glance. ‘And yet the one thing I can’t seem to give them is a nanny brimming over with the joy of the season.’

  The criticism stung. She thought she’d been doing fine and dandy on the Christmas front.

  ‘Considering the way I behaved last year, I realise I’m the last person who should be criticizing someone else’s Christmas spirit.’

  But it wasn’t going to stop him from finding fault with her, right? ‘So you’re a pot and I’m the kettle?’

  He turned to her. ‘Why are you spending Christmas at Waminda Downs instead of in the bosom of your family or with your friends—with the people you love?’

  It was the sheer gentleness of his voice that was her undoing, an inherent understanding that she was dealing with a hell of her own.

  She opened her mouth and he leant forward to press a finger to her lips. ‘No nonsense about wanting to experience the majesty of the Outback or searching for adventure or anything else I could get from a travel brochure. At least give me that much respect.’

  To her horror, tears filled her eyes. This man had just shared the breakdown of his marriage with her so she could understand why Christmas meant so much to him this year. The least she could do was explain why Christmas was low on her personal landscape.

  She swallowed and nodded. He removed his hand and leant back again.

  She didn’t speak until she was sure she had her voice back under control. ‘I’m not spending this Christmas in the bosom of my family because there’s only my mother and my aunt, and my mother’s bosom isn’t very...um...warm.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  She shrugged. ‘We come from money but the one thing my mother couldn’t buy was the daughter she’d always wanted.’ She blew out a breath and tried to smile. ‘I’m afraid I’ve been a sore disappointment to her. I was never the blonde, svelte ballerina type she’d have liked to see blossom into a society princess who loved fashion and charity lunches.’ Her lips twisted. ‘Oh, and the shock and horror of it all when I decided to earn my own living. Why on earth did I have to choose something as unglamorous as teaching? Couldn’t I at least have had the consideration to study Law or Medicine? At least she’d have been able to brag about those.’

  He rested his elbows on his knees. ‘Is she blind?’ he demanded.

  ‘No, she just sees the world through her own eyes and can’t comprehend anyone else’s view of it.’ She laughed. ‘Nicola Ann, you’re twenty-seven and too old to be gallivanting around the countryside as a nanny looking after someone else’s children. Think of all that dust and heat...and the flies! What on earth will I tell my friends?’

  ‘She said that?’

  ‘Verbatim.’ She glanced down at her hands. ‘Christmas lunch with my mother and aunt is an ordeal. They spend at least an hour picking over my myriad flaws and the perceived mistakes I’ve made for the year. Given my start in life and all... Yadda yadda yadda. You get the picture.’

  ‘I do.’ His voice was grim.

  ‘And this year I just couldn’t face it. Normally I only survive that lunch with my mother because of the promise of a rollicking good party with my friends in the evening—my Christmas highlight.’

  ‘And that’s not happening this year?’

  Oh, it was happening all right. She just wouldn’t be a part of it.

  ‘Nicola?’

  She hadn’t meant to reveal her troubles to anyone while she was here at Waminda Downs. She’d promised herself that she was through with being an object of pity. And she was. ‘I don’t want this going any further. I don�
��t want you telling your family or Harry or Jack or anyone about this.’

  ‘That always went without saying. But you have my word of honour.’

  Even now she knew she could pull back—plead a headache and retire to her room. Flee to her room. But she suddenly found she didn’t want to. She wanted to lance some of the poison that blackened her thoughts until she could taste the bitterness in her mouth. She wanted to hurl it into the darkness where the night could swallow it and hopefully destroy it.

  She pulled in a breath that made her whole frame shake. ‘Right now I should be in the middle of wedding preparations. My wedding preparations.’

  His head snapped back. ‘You’re engaged?’

  ‘Was. Past tense.’

  ‘Hell, I’m sorry. I...’

  He trailed off like so many of her friends had when they’d heard the news.

  ‘He dumped me for another woman and, yes, before you say it, I agree it’s better to have found that out now than after we were married.’

  ‘It’s still a tough blow and a lot to deal with, but...’

  She glanced up. ‘Yes?’

  ‘I’d have thought being with your friends at a time like this would’ve been the best thing. You could’ve blown your mother off with some excuse or other.’ He rolled his eyes. ‘I mean, I can just imagine her comments on a broken engagement, but having the support and understanding of your friends would’ve been invaluable, wouldn’t it?’

  She laughed and the bitterness of it cut deep into her. ‘I’m sorry I left out one tiny detail. My fiancé dumped me for my best friend.’

  CHAPTER FOUR

  NICOLA couldn’t look at Cade after she’d uttered those words. His shocked intake of breath told her all she needed to know.

  Along with the silence.

  She hated that kind of silence. She’d dealt with too much of it these past three months. ‘We’re all still friends. Brad and Diane didn’t mean for it to happen. They didn’t mean to hurt me.’